R.I.P. my B

Not exactly sure how to breach this subject, as I always find it difficult to write about emotional things. I don't want to stay there, don't want to linger. Want it to be over, done with, "I'm fine, really". In fact, I was thinking of just bypassing this subject and waiting for some fun to come along and just post about that, but deep down inside I knew that I obviously could not go on without a mention of my little friend.

This past Monday I had to put my 13 yr. old cat, B, to sleep. He had been diagnosed with kidney disease in March and had only a bit of time left ....well, a few months to be exact OR a possibility of up to five years. At least that is what I was told by the vet and these statistics seemed to be confirmed though a good amount of Googling about the subject. And while I was certainly hoping for the five years, apparently his kidneys were well on their way to failing sooner than later and, by Sunday night, he could no longer walk.

After having him here with me for over ten years, my little black and white friend is gone. Although, I do still have my other cat, Lucinda, the apartment seems so bare, it's missing something. It's missing his personal touch. I will no longer see his circle on my bed. I will no longer experience his paw poking my closed eyelid when I didn't get up in the morning in time, or in my nose, or even pushing on my lips ....when his belly was empty, he was persistent.

I think back on what a great life he did have and also what a great life that I had enjoyed as a result of his antics ....he could be a Buster.

Always loving and always forgiving of my heavy head that would sometimes lay on his body and depend on it for support, comfort, a snuggle. It's just not the same without him. Much sadness, such great memories.

Feeling Spent

Looking back on the years that I was gainfully employed, there was never a flutter in my stomach about money, never a sense of dread upon waking. Well, that might actually be a lie, while there was never discomfort, there was numbness and sometimes numbness and lack of passion for your job can be the worst flutter of all.

As much as being laid off can be a blessing in disguise, I mean how many inspiring success stories have you heard about people starting their own businesses and fully embracing their passions, I know that I've heard lot's, but of course, when it comes down to the nitty gritty ....there is always the other side.

Which leads me to the actual beat of being unemployed, the tempo itself, which is challenging in it's own unique way. To be quite honest, I don't think I have ever experienced such feelings of paralysis, nervous exhaustion, and all around anxiety, as I have had to endure in the last couple of months. Some days are much better than others. At times it is simply a skittish feeling that seems to go up and down my spine, other times it feels as though my legs are filled with wet sand bags and I just don't want to move, and finally, there is always a visit from "Bob the blob", as I affectionately like to call him. He lovingly resides right in the middle of my chest, all 25 pounds of him. Thanks, Bob!

Seriously though, I don't mean to make light of this. Many people are struggling both financially and emotionally. Humor has always been a nice balm for me; sometimes forced, mostly natural, but always available. A good amount of people that I know who are unemployed are just trying to make it through. Sometimes I think that in addition to free services for computer classes, there really should be free massages, yoga sessions, and maybe even Burning Man festivals set up specifically for people who are unemployed.

Anyhow, just needed to let off some steam.

Any thoughts or experiences, please feel free to share.

Today I had every intention of writing a blog post about the isolation, frustration, and all out self-doubt that can often creep along with being unemployed and searching for a Real job, a.k.a ...dream job. This search can also be made even more difficult by the additional search for what some folks might call a "job-job", which is really just a sniglet for the supplemental job you sometimes need while pursuing your soul's calling, or a job in which there is absolutely no eye rolling required on the part of your friends or family.


Instead, I finding myself sitting here at my kitchen table and looking out the window at a very, very, very soggy and rather grey day, forcing me to be more pre-occupied with thoughts of comfort, sofa- cuddling, creativity, and perhaps spinning a few tunes on the turntable. 


So from my desk/kitchen table to yours, may I present a little rainy day magic from Louis and Ella...

I had promised myself to write a new blog entry each and every Monday. Preferably about some new start-up, or even just a new idea or adventure. This Monday came and went ...and nothing, nada. This morning, however, I was surfing the Web and the first piece of information that popped out at me and caused a little bit of a stir within, was a particular quote that was said to be made by the actress Katharine Hepburn.

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun."

And so with a sweep of that statement, I am excusing myself from my Monday morning assignment ...at least for this week... and for now, as Katharine might say, "on to the fun!".

Ventured, but not quite gained

What is it that keeps you motivated, keeps you interested and on your toes? Is it something that just presents itself? Something that just grabs a hold of you and doesn't let go ...like the feeling you had when you met that one really cool person who went on to become your best friend? Who knew that was going to happen?

It always amazes me how many hobbies seem to just come and go. Maybe it's just me but I don't think that I am alone in this. You grab an interest, have a cup of coffee with it, then eventually feel that this one will shine, this is the one you will remain faithful to, motivated by. Then within six months, it's a knickknack.

Looking through my jewelry box today, I couldn't help but notice all of the pretty earrings that I had created about two years ago. Walking past a bead store in NYC one day, I decided to go in and take a peek at what was inside. Silver, gold, coral, turquoise, and just about every other color and texture under the sun. I quickly whipped out my debit card, had my beads and earring supplies bagged, and I was off on a new journey.

I now own about eight different pairs of homespun earrings. Earring creations that I posted on my Facebook profile that generated a good amount of attention, with lots and lots of love. Visions of business cards, business names, an Etsy shop, all filling my heart and head. Since I had been laid off from my job last year I have created a total of zero pairs, no actually I think I did create one pair, one! What the heck happened? Apparently, I have all the time in the world and end up only generating one pair of earrings. Where did that passion go? What the heck happened? How can do you get it back? How does one get whatever "it is" back? Anyone? Just wondering....

When a spark ignites

It was right about this time last year, while sitting in my neighborhood park, that I found myself experiencing such an urge to contribute in some way. Maybe I could play a part in creating some color, some activity ...a little added slice of soul, even?

`Watching the kid's play, I started to envision this same group of little gals, and maybe even little guys, all engaged in some yoga stretches. Yoga mats spread out in a circle, lots of smiles, giggles, and of course that one little bugger who refuses to participate, but somehow ALWAYS seems to purposely knock that ball into our small yoga court. AND I know he likes that dark haired little gal, he's just shy.

Rock ahead one year. I am now officially yoga kid certified. My park is still there, and apparently, my passion, which had actually been dormant for quite awhile.

Will this summer be the one season that this is played out, that I pull off what I was envisioning this time last year, when it all was just a dream in my much perplexed and highly unemployed state of being?

Not sure, but hoping to do some yoga mat fitting this weekend on a particular patch of grass that I had my eye set on last year. A patch made for making a difference, forging a dream, and of course, welcoming that little bugger with open arms.