Friday, June 22, 2012

R.I.P. my B

Not exactly sure how to breach this subject, as I always find it difficult to write about emotional things. I don't want to stay there, don't want to linger. Want it to be over, done with, "I'm fine, really". In fact, I was thinking of just bypassing this subject and waiting for some fun to come along and just post about that, but deep down inside I knew that I obviously could not go on without a mention of my little friend.

This past Monday I had to put my 13 yr. old cat, B, to sleep. He had been diagnosed with kidney disease in March and had only a bit of time left ....well, a few months to be exact OR a possibility of up to five years. At least that is what I was told by the vet and these statistics seemed to be confirmed though a good amount of Googling about the subject. And while I was certainly hoping for the five years, apparently his kidneys were well on their way to failing sooner than later and, by Sunday night, he could no longer walk.

After having him here with me for over ten years, my little black and white friend is gone. Although, I do still have my other cat, Lucinda, the apartment seems so bare, it's missing something. It's missing his personal touch. I will no longer see his circle on my bed. I will no longer experience his paw poking my closed eyelid when I didn't get up in the morning in time, or in my nose, or even pushing on my lips ....when his belly was empty, he was persistent.

I think back on what a great life he did have and also what a great life that I had enjoyed as a result of his antics ....he could be a Buster.

Always loving and always forgiving of my heavy head that would sometimes lay on his body and depend on it for support, comfort, a snuggle. It's just not the same without him. Much sadness, such great memories.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Feeling Spent

Looking back on the years that I was gainfully employed, there was never a flutter in my stomach about money, never a sense of dread upon waking. Well, that might actually be a lie, while there was never discomfort, there was numbness and sometimes numbness and lack of passion for your job can be the worst flutter of all.

As much as being laid off can be a blessing in disguise, I mean how many inspiring success stories have you heard about people starting their own businesses and fully embracing their passions, I know that I've heard lot's, but of course, when it comes down to the nitty gritty ....there is always the other side.

Which leads me to the actual beat of being unemployed, the tempo itself, which is challenging in it's own unique way. To be quite honest, I don't think I have ever experienced such feelings of paralysis, nervous exhaustion, and all around anxiety, as I have had to endure in the last couple of months. Some days are much better than others. At times it is simply a skittish feeling that seems to go up and down my spine, other times it feels as though my legs are filled with wet sand bags and I just don't want to move, and finally, there is always a visit from "Bob the blob", as I affectionately like to call him. He lovingly resides right in the middle of my chest, all 25 pounds of him. Thanks, Bob!

Seriously though, I don't mean to make light of this. Many people are struggling both financially and emotionally. Humor has always been a nice balm for me; sometimes forced, mostly natural, but always available. A good amount of people that I know who are unemployed are just trying to make it through. Sometimes I think that in addition to free services for computer classes, there really should be free massages, yoga sessions, and maybe even Burning Man festivals set up specifically for people who are unemployed.

Anyhow, just needed to let off some steam.

Any thoughts or experiences, please feel free to share.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Today I had every intention of writing a blog post about the isolation, frustration, and all out self-doubt that can often creep along with being unemployed and searching for a Real job, a.k.a ...dream job. This search can also be made even more difficult by the additional search for what some folks might call a "job-job", which is really just a sniglet for the supplemental job you sometimes need while pursuing your soul's calling, or a job in which there is absolutely no eye rolling required on the part of your friends or family.

Instead, I finding myself sitting here at my kitchen table and looking out the window at a very, very, very soggy and rather grey day, forcing me to be more pre-occupied with thoughts of comfort, sofa- cuddling, creativity, and perhaps spinning a few tunes on the turntable. 

So from my desk/kitchen table to yours, may I present a little rainy day magic from Louis and Ella...